Someone had been sending Roger pieces of shit. Clumps of shit in little boxes, delivered via US mail. The clumps were just big enough for Roger to wonder if they came from a human or an animal. Not that he wanted to investigate too much - the first package that arrived had been a box filled to the brim with packing peanuts. Roger had to reach inside, and that’s when he felt the excrement squelch through his fingers as he dug in.
The next time, Roger thought he’d outsmart the fucker that sent it. When the box came, he slit the tape with a kitchen knife, then upturned the box and dumped out all the contents on the floor. The styrofoam peanuts were swept into the air currents, swirling around in fluttery semicircles as the clumps of shit fell to the floor with a thud. It was only then, watching the peanuts glide to the floor and cover the shit like a tarred-and-feathered medieval warrior, that Roger realized he was going to have to clean the shit from the floor, hunched over on hands and knees, scrubbing the carpet with steel wool.
The third time, Roger thought he’d really come out ahead. When the next box arrived, he simply crossed out his own address with a thick black marker, and added “RETURN TO SENDER” before dropping it at the post office. The next day, the police came to Roger’s apartment, humorless and eager to ascertain why Roger would be using the mail service to ship human waste. Roger, flustered and sweaty, tried to explain the story, his victimization, this prank he couldn’t possibly believe he deserved. By the time he was asking the police to help him, they had already put away their notepads. They assured him they’d look into it before leaving his apartment. Roger heard them laughing as he locked the door behind them.
If you’d told Roger a month ago that he’d be crouched within the bushes next to his front porch, guarding the mailbox, waiting for the mailman with a .44 gripped in one sweaty hand, he never would have believed it. But, as Roger thought without even a trace of irony, there’s only so much shit a man can take.